a long time coming.

"...i won't always love what i'll never have.
i won't always live in my regrets.
you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.
what are you hoping for?"
-jimmy eat world

These lyrics screamed at me, over and over, on my drive home today. And it dawned on me - for months, if only in the furthest corners of my mind, I've been at a stand-still of sorts. Since I parted ways with him nearly a year ago, I've dated - a few times, actually. I've gone out and I've met people and I've made friends and I've dated. And while they were incredible people, something still felt lacking - no one since Austin has so completely captured my attention. But I'm not sure, looking back, that any ever had a fair shot, either.

For a while, I think I'd convinced myself that there was a reason I'd held so fast to the days of last summer. Fate, right? I believed that if only I lived closer, I could change things. (In some ways, I guess I'll always be a hopeless romantic. Ha!) The truth, though, despite how adamantly I chose to deny it before, remains the same now as it was then. The relationship was over when we said it was over, and "goodbye" really meant goodbye. No amount of wishes or hope would ever, and could ever, change the ending.

In the nearly year past, a lot has changed - I've changed. Life has happened. Nursing school has happened. It's hell, and it has left behind more than its fair share of callouses - but I'm stronger for it. I've learned to take much of life with a grain of salt, and to take myself a little less seriously. I've learned to bite my tongue, to better harness my emotions. I've learned to try to live each day fully, and with a smile. - And so much of this, I learned from him. I only wish he knew.

I finally realized today. Things won't always work out the way we think they should. But maybe, just maybe, there's a reason for that. It doesn't mean that we're flawed or that we've failed. It doesn't make what we felt any less real. It wasn't all for nothing.

I finally realized today. Letting go isn't losing. It's setting yourself free.

"well, the bible and the bottle both deceive us / into thinking we're something we're not."

American Aquarium.
I'm going to see them play in a few days.
Check 'em out.

i checked the calendar -

nine weeks.

I'm not sure I've ever been so consumed with time.

i wasn't made for emergencies.

Monday was my first ER clinical rotation.
Monday was one of the worst days of my life.

Just before noon, a call came in.
"A possible Code Blue."

Expecting excitement and not wanting to miss out,
I stayed.

This. Was a mistake.

I'd assumed that, as a student,
I was expected to stand aside and observe such an emergency, right?
Wrong.

"Time of death, 12:12."

An hour later, I must have looked like I felt.
A paramedic said to me, "This is your first Code? You'll never forget it."
And I'm afraid that I won't.
It's been three days, and the image is still there when I close my eyes.

music tells stories.

Here's one, beginning to end.

It's true - time heals,
but I haven't forgotten you.

an update of sorts.

Wow, it's been a while. I guess a lot has happened lately. The short version:

- The 21-year-old son of a close friend committed suicide last week. There's been speculation and, of course, rumor, but no one knows what really happened - and I guess, never will.

- School's not going well. I'm tired. This is the last full week before winter break, though, and I'm hoping that after a month off, I'll be feeling refreshed and ready for Part 2.

- My best friend, the one who moved to Dallas - I miss her. A lot. My other "best friend" is on this boy-hating kick and hanging out with other boy-hating friends, ones with whom I don't particulary care to associate. And to be honest, she and I are so different from one another that it's nearly impossible to have a meaningful conversation. She's fun, but at times like these, I'm alone and feeling it.

- Last weekend was a good one. I went out with some new friends. [Apparently, the power of the beard is taking over, and I just didn't know it.] I met Joe-With-a-Last-Name-That-Is-Nearly-Impossible-To-Pronounce. Joe is Polish, and if guys like Joe are what Poland has to offer, then I've apparently been missing out. Highlight of my evening: "I know you're probably here with one of these guys, but I just have to tell you that I think you're beautiful." It's too bad, really, that Joe lives an hour away. Eh.

- I, too, have joined Team Edward. Yay for Twilight. Yes, I'm just that lame.

I've got a test tomorrow on both the circulatory and lymphatic systems... and like usual, I'm so unprepared. This should be fun.

I hope I'm doing this for Me.

Each day, I'm a little more and a little more ready to leave this place behind.
I've been here far too long, and it no longer feels like home.

Four weeks left of this semester.
Then winter break.
And come January, I'll be in the last lap.

Time is flying.
But not nearly quickly enough.

"We all want to be somebody. Right now, we're just looking for the exit."

Wow. It's been a while. And a lot's happened, I guess.

We're getting a new President. "A Muslim African American in the White House." Really, though? Ha. The south is reeling, man. It's all a little ridiculous, if you ask me. Politics is politics. It's about the lesser of evils. We all have differing opinions of just how the nation should be run, and I'm not about to get on any soap box. [Racism is ignorance. I'll just put that out there.] And I hope that sooner, rather than later, the people of this country can accept reality, find a way to deal with it, and bridge this gap we've created.

Whew.

So. Last week, I had two finals and finished both Geriatric and Maternal Nursing. AND I just completed my last day of Clinicals I --- in the nursing homes. I've got a final in Pharmacology I tomorrow, then we'll pick up Adult and Mental Health for the next few weeks. Plus, we're diving head-first into Clinicals II, and my first couple days will be in surgery. I'm... definitely nervous. But excited. I've got six months left until graduation --- if I can make it. Keep your fingers crossed?

By the way, I'm doing better. I'd be lying if I said I never think of him. I just finally realized that I couldn't keep holding so tightly to a mere possibility. I've been spending time with old friends and making new ones. And yeah, I'm doing better. Thanks.

Figured I had time for an update. Now I'm off to study --- as usual. Oh, and if you're in South Arkansas on Friday, I'll be working the drive-thru flu drive ALL day. Ha. With the expected turn-out of a couple thousand, I think it's safe to say I'll get a lot of practice. YIKES.