bitemarks on my tongue.

I still care. But eventually, I won't. Eventually, I'll hear your name and not feel a flutter in the pit of my stomach. Eventually, I'll be able to listen to The Used again. Eventually, I'll order sushi on my own. Eventually, every tall, thin, mop-headed kid won't remind me of you. Eventually, I won't be bothered with the incessant what-ifs and what-might've-beens. Eventually, none of this will matter, and I won't care.

'Til then, I'll fake it, and you'll never know any differently.

xX

120/80.

I was pretty lame this weekend. I had plans, but not so unlike me, I cancelled. Instead, I stayed in town, caught up on some much-needed sleep, and studied for my vital signs skills test tomorrow. Funny how things change: Two years ago, my weekends meant non-stop partying, tequila binges, and countless rounds of beer pong. And, for the most part, the idea now sounds rather unappealing. I guess this is growing up. [Note: I did say "for the most part" because, believe me, I still have those days when I'd kill for a margarita, extra shots.]

My family and friends may hate me before I've ever finished nursing school. For my test tomorrow, I'll have to demonstrate my competency with checking radial pulse, respiratory rate, and blood pressure. So for the past week or so, I've been cutting off circulation practicing on everyone around me. I've decided, I hate checking blood pressure. And I hate stethoscopes. And I think, even moreso, I'm going to hate having to perform in front of an audience of teachers [aka nurses] and forty peers. It will be worth it. This new catch-phrase of mine, I think, is the one thing that will get me through May 2009. Maybe I should consider having it tattooed.

-----

And all these lines fall short of what I had in mind,
A failed attempt to capsulize a feeling.
So I just try. Fail and try and try again.
Someday, I swear I'm going to get it
'Cause I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is.

"Mistakes We Knew We Were Making" - Straylight Run

I'll do better.

Evidently, I suck at this whole blogging thing.

Nursing school's going well, though. Really well. I'm halfway through the summer term already, and I have an A-average. But I'm exhausted. In high school, I never studied. In college, the first go-around, I never studied. Now, in nursing school, I study. I study my ass off. We're talkin' four- and five-hour study sessions, up 'til three in the morning, two-and-a-half-hour naps before class. I'm driven, I'm focused, and I'm determined to make it. I'm going to make it.

Oh. And Austin. We didn't work. I'll always believe that the problem had very little to do with the two of us, and everything to do with the five-hundred miles between us. Of course, this only makes it all the much harder to swallow. If I had a good enough reason to walk away, I could. If I had a reason, at all. But that's life, I guess. You get over it, and you keep breathing. Everything happens for a reason.

I've been stressed about money lately. Now that I'm doing the school thing full-time, I wasn't able to keep my job. So I've been flippin' out over just how I'm going to pay for school. And, well, you've heard that saying, Ask and you shall receive? And the stories of answered prayers, answered in the worst possible way? Consider me a prime freaking example. My ninety-year-old grandmother, one of the most important people in my life, is dying. And I learned today that she's willed to me a portion of her life savings, enough for this year and three more, enough to get me all the way through to a BSN, enough to complete my education. I should feel relieved. No more worry, right? Instead, I'm angry with myself, so ashamed at even considering it. Have you ever tried bargaining with a deity? "Dear God, no. Screw the money. Just don't take her away." Yeah, bargaining. At the least, it has to be a nice change from the everyday hurling of insults into the sky.

If my life were anything else, it would be the Mr. Freeze ride at Six Flags. Up, down, upside down, stop, then repeat... backwards. But I'm not so sure I like rollercoasters.