baby's debut.

[ 9 weeks, 2 days ]

not so fast.

We were a week off in our calculations. According to the second ultrasound, I'm only now five weeks and some odd days. By May, it will have felt like I've had a year-long pregnancy.

My next prenatal appointment is three weeks away. Another ultrasound. This time, the doctor has assured me, we should see a baby. Can't wait.

So far, so good -- still no morning sickness. Whew.

two pink lines.

Friday, August 28, started as a day like any other.

Around 3PM, I took a test, and my world changed.

I'm pregnant.

Two days ago, I had my first prenatal visit with the doctor. Poked and prodded, just as I'd expected. A urinalysis, an ultrasound, and blood work were ordered. Though the urinalysis confirmed the pregnancy, the ultrasound wasn't so predictive -- the technician said it was simply too early to see any development. Yesterday, a nurse called with blood work results and assured me that the levels were as they should be at this stage and for a sustainable pregnancy. We're hoping to see something -- maybe even the heartbeat! -- by the ultrasound next week.

We told Justin's mom last weekend, and she's already been shopping for the baby. So excited.

This weekend, we'll tell my parents. I can only hope they'll take the news as well. Yikes.

I'm nearing the end of my fifth week. No morning sickness, yet. A little nausea, mild cramping, backaches, frequent urination, and the occassional heart flutter -- nothing too terrible. I'm taking prenatal vitamins, modifying my diet (less caffeine and sugar, more of "the good stuff"), and no longer smoking.

I'm going to be a Mommy. I'm in love, already.

I still can't believe this is my life.

three months later.

Life is good.

I just finished my one summer class, Anatomy and Physiology Lab, and will be enrolling in three more classes next month - all pre-requisites for a technical degree plan. After some time to reflect on my experiences in nursing school, I realized that I'd found my calling. The one area of clinical rotations that I truly enjoyed, the one area in which I excelled: Phlebotomy. Thankfully, my nursing course hours transferred painlessly, and I'm only lacking these last three before I can apply to the program. Fifteen are accepted each semester - based on scores and interviews - and, after a semester of clinical rotations, should graduate. I feel like I'm already ahead in the game, considering I've performed at least 286,109 successful sticks and blood draws throughout nursing school. Fingers crossed. I'm stoked. :)

Justin and I are wonderful. He's my One. Without a doubt. Funny how things work that way...

//update.

One moment, all is clear. The next, as frustratingly clouded as ever.

I won't be graduating next month.

My choice.

"I know that starting over is not what life's about ---

but my thoughts were so loud, I couldn't hear my mouth."

- Modest Mouse

* * *

Nursing, for now, simply isn't my calling. I'm a firm believer, though, that absolutely everything happens for a reason - and through the nursing program, I discovered an area of healthcare in which I excel, one that both challenges and excites me. Phlebotomy. I've looked into the semester-long program offered at a school nearby, and several of my nursing credits will actually transfer. --- I know, for certain, that healthcare is where my heart lies. And hey, maybe I'll one day complete my nursing degree. For the first time in my life, though, I'm disregarding others' opinions and free advice. For the first time in my life, I'm trusting myself. For the first time in my life, I'm living - and I'm living for me. It's kind of nice.

And.

There's this incredible person, Justin. My love. Beautiful, talented, real. Hands-down, I've never felt so sure of anything or anyone, ever. Within the next few weeks, I'll be moving in with him. 'Tis only the beginning of good things.

e-n-g-a-g-e-d.

My best friend called lastnight to tell me that her boyfriend asked her to marry him.

I wasn't surprised. From the time they met, I knew he was The One. It was only a matter of time.

I'm excited for her. Really, I am. Ecstatic.

But I'm a little sad. Nostalgic, I guess.

Times are changing, man. I can hardly keep up anymore.

Two months, and I'll be looking for a job and an apartment - and I've had my heart set on Texas. I figured she'd still be there, in Dallas, and I'd have at least one friend to lean on. Lately, though, she's been spending far more time in Washington/Canada with him than she has her own place, and she's mentioned moving up north with him.

Ahhh. I'm not looking forward to Texas without her.

On the flip-side, I was asked to be her maid-of-honor. Very cool. :)

a long time coming.

"...i won't always love what i'll never have.
i won't always live in my regrets.
you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.
what are you hoping for?"
-jimmy eat world

These lyrics screamed at me, over and over, on my drive home today. And it dawned on me - for months, if only in the furthest corners of my mind, I've been at a stand-still of sorts. Since I parted ways with him nearly a year ago, I've dated - a few times, actually. I've gone out and I've met people and I've made friends and I've dated. And while they were incredible people, something still felt lacking - no one since Austin has so completely captured my attention. But I'm not sure, looking back, that any ever had a fair shot, either.

For a while, I think I'd convinced myself that there was a reason I'd held so fast to the days of last summer. Fate, right? I believed that if only I lived closer, I could change things. (In some ways, I guess I'll always be a hopeless romantic. Ha!) The truth, though, despite how adamantly I chose to deny it before, remains the same now as it was then. The relationship was over when we said it was over, and "goodbye" really meant goodbye. No amount of wishes or hope would ever, and could ever, change the ending.

In the nearly year past, a lot has changed - I've changed. Life has happened. Nursing school has happened. It's hell, and it has left behind more than its fair share of callouses - but I'm stronger for it. I've learned to take much of life with a grain of salt, and to take myself a little less seriously. I've learned to bite my tongue, to better harness my emotions. I've learned to try to live each day fully, and with a smile. - And so much of this, I learned from him. I only wish he knew.

I finally realized today. Things won't always work out the way we think they should. But maybe, just maybe, there's a reason for that. It doesn't mean that we're flawed or that we've failed. It doesn't make what we felt any less real. It wasn't all for nothing.

I finally realized today. Letting go isn't losing. It's setting yourself free.

"well, the bible and the bottle both deceive us / into thinking we're something we're not."

American Aquarium.
I'm going to see them play in a few days.
Check 'em out.

i checked the calendar -

nine weeks.

I'm not sure I've ever been so consumed with time.

i wasn't made for emergencies.

Monday was my first ER clinical rotation.
Monday was one of the worst days of my life.

Just before noon, a call came in.
"A possible Code Blue."

Expecting excitement and not wanting to miss out,
I stayed.

This. Was a mistake.

I'd assumed that, as a student,
I was expected to stand aside and observe such an emergency, right?
Wrong.

"Time of death, 12:12."

An hour later, I must have looked like I felt.
A paramedic said to me, "This is your first Code? You'll never forget it."
And I'm afraid that I won't.
It's been three days, and the image is still there when I close my eyes.

music tells stories.

Here's one, beginning to end.

It's true - time heals,
but I haven't forgotten you.