a long time coming.

"...i won't always love what i'll never have.
i won't always live in my regrets.
you'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time.
what are you hoping for?"
-jimmy eat world

These lyrics screamed at me, over and over, on my drive home today. And it dawned on me - for months, if only in the furthest corners of my mind, I've been at a stand-still of sorts. Since I parted ways with him nearly a year ago, I've dated - a few times, actually. I've gone out and I've met people and I've made friends and I've dated. And while they were incredible people, something still felt lacking - no one since Austin has so completely captured my attention. But I'm not sure, looking back, that any ever had a fair shot, either.

For a while, I think I'd convinced myself that there was a reason I'd held so fast to the days of last summer. Fate, right? I believed that if only I lived closer, I could change things. (In some ways, I guess I'll always be a hopeless romantic. Ha!) The truth, though, despite how adamantly I chose to deny it before, remains the same now as it was then. The relationship was over when we said it was over, and "goodbye" really meant goodbye. No amount of wishes or hope would ever, and could ever, change the ending.

In the nearly year past, a lot has changed - I've changed. Life has happened. Nursing school has happened. It's hell, and it has left behind more than its fair share of callouses - but I'm stronger for it. I've learned to take much of life with a grain of salt, and to take myself a little less seriously. I've learned to bite my tongue, to better harness my emotions. I've learned to try to live each day fully, and with a smile. - And so much of this, I learned from him. I only wish he knew.

I finally realized today. Things won't always work out the way we think they should. But maybe, just maybe, there's a reason for that. It doesn't mean that we're flawed or that we've failed. It doesn't make what we felt any less real. It wasn't all for nothing.

I finally realized today. Letting go isn't losing. It's setting yourself free.