an update of sorts.

Wow, it's been a while. I guess a lot has happened lately. The short version:

- The 21-year-old son of a close friend committed suicide last week. There's been speculation and, of course, rumor, but no one knows what really happened - and I guess, never will.

- School's not going well. I'm tired. This is the last full week before winter break, though, and I'm hoping that after a month off, I'll be feeling refreshed and ready for Part 2.

- My best friend, the one who moved to Dallas - I miss her. A lot. My other "best friend" is on this boy-hating kick and hanging out with other boy-hating friends, ones with whom I don't particulary care to associate. And to be honest, she and I are so different from one another that it's nearly impossible to have a meaningful conversation. She's fun, but at times like these, I'm alone and feeling it.

- Last weekend was a good one. I went out with some new friends. [Apparently, the power of the beard is taking over, and I just didn't know it.] I met Joe-With-a-Last-Name-That-Is-Nearly-Impossible-To-Pronounce. Joe is Polish, and if guys like Joe are what Poland has to offer, then I've apparently been missing out. Highlight of my evening: "I know you're probably here with one of these guys, but I just have to tell you that I think you're beautiful." It's too bad, really, that Joe lives an hour away. Eh.

- I, too, have joined Team Edward. Yay for Twilight. Yes, I'm just that lame.

I've got a test tomorrow on both the circulatory and lymphatic systems... and like usual, I'm so unprepared. This should be fun.

I hope I'm doing this for Me.

Each day, I'm a little more and a little more ready to leave this place behind.
I've been here far too long, and it no longer feels like home.

Four weeks left of this semester.
Then winter break.
And come January, I'll be in the last lap.

Time is flying.
But not nearly quickly enough.

"We all want to be somebody. Right now, we're just looking for the exit."

Wow. It's been a while. And a lot's happened, I guess.

We're getting a new President. "A Muslim African American in the White House." Really, though? Ha. The south is reeling, man. It's all a little ridiculous, if you ask me. Politics is politics. It's about the lesser of evils. We all have differing opinions of just how the nation should be run, and I'm not about to get on any soap box. [Racism is ignorance. I'll just put that out there.] And I hope that sooner, rather than later, the people of this country can accept reality, find a way to deal with it, and bridge this gap we've created.

Whew.

So. Last week, I had two finals and finished both Geriatric and Maternal Nursing. AND I just completed my last day of Clinicals I --- in the nursing homes. I've got a final in Pharmacology I tomorrow, then we'll pick up Adult and Mental Health for the next few weeks. Plus, we're diving head-first into Clinicals II, and my first couple days will be in surgery. I'm... definitely nervous. But excited. I've got six months left until graduation --- if I can make it. Keep your fingers crossed?

By the way, I'm doing better. I'd be lying if I said I never think of him. I just finally realized that I couldn't keep holding so tightly to a mere possibility. I've been spending time with old friends and making new ones. And yeah, I'm doing better. Thanks.

Figured I had time for an update. Now I'm off to study --- as usual. Oh, and if you're in South Arkansas on Friday, I'll be working the drive-thru flu drive ALL day. Ha. With the expected turn-out of a couple thousand, I think it's safe to say I'll get a lot of practice. YIKES.

Closure will come.

I can only wonder how long it will take you to notice.
This is done.

-

I'm not quite sure what made today the day. Perhaps it was the photo I stumbled across, you dressed as a pirate for Halloween, a smile on your face, surrounded by friends. Or maybe it was the realization that my best friend is soon leaving, and for the past few months, I've wasted precious time with her, with conversation about you. The reasons no longer matter, as today was the day.

I've been spending every day since June, wishing and waiting and wondering, unable to feel anything for anyone else. It's sickening, really. You, though? You've been piecing back together your life, as though I were never a part of it, and politely lying your way through each awkward moment. Perhaps I could stand to learn a thing or two.

I'm done giving you the benefit of a doubt. I'm done making excuses for you. I'm done building you up, only to watch my image of you crumble again.

As of today, I'm moving on.

Let's pretend this isn't happening.

I hate change.
I hate growing up, and I hate watching others grow up.
I hate knowing that life,
as I know it in this moment,
will never again be the same.

My best friend. I knew she had plans to leave town, just didn't know it would be this soon. (In all honesty, I think I felt like she shouldn't be able to leave until I was able to leave, too. Selfish.) Her modeling is really taking-off, and she's leaving for Dallas. She's moving into her new apartment, nearly four hours away, in less than two weeks. Four hours, I know, doesn't sound so bad, right? Four hours might as well mean two billion miles.

In the last five years, she's the one person I've come to rely on. When my world is crashing down, she listens. The therapeutic late-night drives, with caffeine and cigarettes. ... No. I won't let this bring me down. I refuse to let this destroy me.

The near future... might prove to be a little difficult.

"Oh, look now, there you go with hope again."

I needed a break. I needed to clear my head. So I went to Dallas for the weekend and stayed with a couple friends. I love the city, but visiting serves as just another reminder of how ready I am to move there. Each time, the drive home seems a little longer and my heart sinks a little lower---I'm pathetic, really. Eh, seven months... but who's counting?


It was an interesting weekend:

-I learned that, apparently, it isn't safe to text while in four lanes of rush hour traffic. You might find yourself barricaded in a center lane, dodging bumpers, and ramping the median for a last-minute exit... Or so I've heard.

-I discovered the heavenlyness that is Cuban cuisine. We went out with a few friends Saturday night to La Cubanita, uptown on McKinney Avenue. The weather was amazing, and we scored a table out on the patio---my favorite. I had two Mojitos and several glasses of Mango Sangria, ordered the Gulf Red Snapper---and fell in love. If you're ever in the Dallas area, I recommend 'em... especially the drinks. But go easy on the drinks. Trust me.

-I learned to play was schooled in my first game of disc golf. Until a few months ago, I didn't know such existed, but apparently, it's a pretty serious sport, man. Aside from the disc golf course we found, there are, at least, eight other courses around Dallas, alone. And there's even a Professional Disc Golf Association? (I've obviously been hiding beneath a rock.) Yeah, it's addicting. I recommend it, too.

-And, as I was leaving town, I realized that I should pay more attention. I walk around, so completely consumed with playing the victim that I'm fucking oblivious to the rest of the world. In a few months, I haven't been able to feel anything for anyone else---anything, at all. And if I were a decent person, I'd have made things clearer and spared his feelings. But I didn't. :/


It's back to reality (and rural life). I had a ten-hour clinical today, and I've got an exam in maternal nursing tomorrow. Someone, shoot me.

I tell my love to wreck it all,
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
// Skinny Love; Bon Iver

[ismy]

Forget To Breathe; Renee Cassar

This means nothing, and I do, too.

Me: We never talk anymore. We used to talk.
Him: That was when I was trying to have a relationship with you. -smile-

Wow.

I couldn't have imagined that such very few words, after all this time, could slice all the way through to my core. Then again, I guess I'd asked for it.

I wanted to die.

Instead, I smiled back.